


may i feel, said he

by finaljoy



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Drama, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Friendship, Romance, Unhealthy Relationships, i really cannot stress enough how not healthy this dynamic is, kylo is a bad dude but an interesting one, love does not fix everything friends, rey is not in a good place
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-10
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2020-11-28 21:00:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20972978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/finaljoy/pseuds/finaljoy
Summary: If this was what love was, if it was waiting with her breath held until she blacked out and the world lost meaning and she thought she would die, if it was waiting until Kylo came and breathed the air and color and light back into her…that was fine with Rey. She didn't know what it could be, otherwise.(or, a story about how Kylo is something Rey must overcome.)





	1. never more than enough

**Author's Note:**

> hello you naughty children are you ready to sin.
> 
> A couple important things to note: this story will have no capitalization because I'm feeling artsy and literally no one can stop me. Also this is not what you would call a happy Reylo story. This is going to be a study of the unhealthy aspects of their relationship. It's going to be great.

rey met him at a work party. not her work party, but finn's. he had needed a plus one and she needed to get out of her apartment, so she scrounged up a black dress and some heels and a smile and then latched herself onto his arm.

finn's life was perfect, lovely and glossy and reflecting everything rey wanted. he worked in a skyscraper with lots of glass and chrome, wore fine suits and had perfect posture, smiled and laughed and had no worries. rey had worries. she worried about money, about appearances, about never being more than _enough._

she let finn wander off to socialize and possibly climb that infamous business social ladder, while she drifted off to the bar. she people watched, admiring the sharp suit lines, the polished shoes, the just-so haircuts. she never knew how they did that, cut out all the sloppiness of life and still look human.

she didn't notice that while she people watched, one of the people was watching her.

"you look like you have something you want to say."

she jumped at the voice, low and just quiet enough to stand out from the rest of the noise. she turned to find a man sitting at the other end of the bar. if ravens were men, this was one. he wore a black suit with a black shirt and black shoes and black hair. he was perfect in the way finn was perfect, but more. perfect in the way a straight razor was perfect, perfect in the way a finger of whiskey was perfect, perfect in the way lonely was perfect. perfect in the way he knew was perfect.

"i didn't think i did," she said, raising an eyebrow because coy was very easy when it only lasted a few seconds.

he smiled, hand on his drink like it was a prize, a prop, a bargaining chip. "i don't think that's true. i think you want to say something i want to hear."

rey's mouth split into a smile that was the crimson of a girl that didn't live in a sty, didn't always have motor oil under her fingernails, didn't despair of ever getting ahead of the bills and the bills and the bills that stacked in her mailbox.

"and what do you want to hear?"

"whatever you have to say," he told her, like every word she uttered was some secret, scandalous truth.

she told finn she was leaving early. he looked concerned, but she batted it away with mumbles about finding a ride of herself.

the ride was the raven man, kylo. she climbed into his expensive, glossy black car and let him whisk her away before the clock struck midnight. the entire ride was electric, the air crackling with every move. they kept up their banter combat foreplay, off the road and out of the car and up the steps and through the door and into his pristine living room. the whole apartment was shades of black and white, naturally, too clean and sharply detailed for real people to be in.

but rey was a real person, not perfect at all, and he didn't mind her at all as he laid his lips on her skin and his hands on her dress.

little black dresses looked wonderful at parties, but they looked even better crumpled on kylo's floor.

for all his cool words and hiemal smiles, there was something in kylo that burned. she felt it in his hands as he kissed her, his fingertips and his palms searing into the skin of her shoulder and neck and backside and legs. he touched her the way precious things were meant to be touched—completely or not at all.

she clenched his hair in her fist as he laid open-mouthed kisses on her throat, his impossibly tall frame bent toward her like she was magnetic, like he only needed her and the touch she could give. he worked across her collarbone and down to her breast. he traced her bra and panties with a thumb, and she hated that they were virgin white, boring white, rey white. but his coal black eyes burned suggestions into her, and made it very clear he cared only about getting them off.

* * *

the next morning was hazier than rey would have liked. she remembered last night, but now the world seemed to be viewed from behind a foggy glass. she blinked a few times, grimacing as sleep cluttered her eyes and a hangover clouded her brain and sheets kept her from moving.

kylo was still asleep beside her. he seemed even bigger than he had last night, his arms and legs spread out on the bed. rey was trapped in them, her body tangled with his until she wasn't quite sure which were her limbs.

it was nice, that sense of belonging, no matter how slight.

* * *

"what are we doing?" rey's voice sounded small, even to her own ears. she closed her eyes as the words were swallowed by the enormous black nothingness of kylo's room at night. she'd been there twice and then once more and she still had no idea what it meant. she scrounged out a living as an assistant and sometimes mechanic in a tiny auto shop, a life filled with grease and dust and sweat and just barely being _enough_. there was never any reason for kylo to look at her and keep coming back.

"we're having fun," he told her. "or at least, i am."

she rolled her eyes and gave kind of a scoff. "we can't just keep doing this, meeting whenever—"

whenever one of them was feeling lonely or horny or bored or whatever the hell it was that made them keep calling each other. but she wasn't brave enough to say that, because maybe he would realize that this _was_ all nonsense and stop calling altogether.

"i think we could," he said, rolling over to trace her collarbone. rey shivered at his feather touch and feather words. "i think we could keep going on forever like this. keeps it simple. no attachments."  
she looked at him, and it was only when she caught the edge of his smirk did she realize he had been testing her. she probably failed, then.

"and that's what you want?" she bit back, voice perfectly mild. "no complications. just a tidy, clean life you can pull people out of whenever you want."

"yes."

rey was quite for a long moment. there was something terribly alluring to how he said _yes. _yes, he didn't care about the implications, yes he was fine moving people around like game pieces, yes he liked being unattached. there was a power to knowing yourself and being satisfied with it. it must have sucked out all of the sting whenever someone tried to call him a monster.

"you must get bored, controlling everything," she said softly.

she could feel kylo's eyes fix on her in the dark.

"i'm not bored with you," he murmured, and it sounded as true as before.

rey closed her eyes, heart beating all the faster.

* * *

this was how it went—mostly, rey did things like normal. she did whatever odd jobs unkar plutt needed around the auto shop. she kept whatever money she made locked in a fist. she spent time with finn and sometimes poe. she texted kylo when she couldn't tell herself no anymore.

he didn't seem to mind. she could hear it in his voice whenever he answered the phone, the tiny _'hm'_ that was almost a laugh. he would say, yes, fine, come over and rey would put on some of her better clothes and fix her hair and tell herself it was totally normal to take the bus for the half step up from a booty call. the grime on the bus windows and the stickiness of the seats seemed to follow her down the road and up the steps to his apartment, clinging to her skin like that was all she was, the sludge humanity left behind. and then he would open his door and it was like she was washed clean. the sharp lines of his apartment cut off her ugly bits until she was something strange and alluring and strong.

but that was only on rare occasions, when she couldn't tell herself no. because kylo felt like a secret or a trick, something too glossy and fine to be real. the way to him was paved by black opals, and the same way back was marked by nothing but soot. it was too good, something in her whispered, he was too good. there had to be a cost.

if she was being honest, though, she couldn't see what the cost was, and that probably scared her more than anything.

* * *

"rey, will you _please_ tell me your schedule is clear this week," finn said, shooting her a disapproving look over his drink. they were all huddled around a little table in a coffee shop that poe apparently loved. rey didn't actually know poe all that well—yes they knew each other and they talked and she had taken care of his dog as a favor for finn (he was an adorable white pomeranian named 'bebe' that rey had tried desperately hard not to love), but that was it. poe was the friend of a friend to her and they all knew it. but finn was a link in the very short chain of things important to rey, and she would do most things to keep him. feeding kindness to the starved tended to do that.

"i've been busy, is all," rey said. she took a drink, hoping the boys didn't notice that her swallows were bigger than usual. kylo had texted her earlier, and he hadn't said it in so many words but she was hoping he would come over tonight. the instances he came to her apartment were few and she wanted them to be particularly memorable. junk piled in counters was not memorable.

"come on, though," poe insisted. "i'm going to be gone basically for the next three weeks. let's do something before i go."

"you're going to be flying to _m__orocco_ or wherever, though," rey said, raising an eyebrow. "it's not like you're going to be sitting around, twiddling your thumbs."

poe was the pilot for some very charming airline that took people to exotic places. rey loved and hated talking about it because she could taste the differentness of the world on her tongue but also hated it because it was just a taste, never a mouthful.

"that's tourist stuff," poe said, easily waving her words away like they meant nothing. "i wanna do something that _means_ something. what's got you so busy, anyway?"

"i…i dunno, things are just crazy right now," she said, suddenly tired of all this. she didn't want to sit around in this drab little coffee shop, drinking her irritating little coffee, listening to the same little jokes and bites of conversation she always did. she was tired of being reminded that her life was nothing on its own.

"here's a question—when are you actually going to start meeting people other than us?" finn asked.

"when i feel like it."

"_rey,_ your last date was lightyears ago, you can't—"

"i can, actually."

"_r__ight._ if you keep embracing this…vintage hobo chic thing you've got going on—"

"'chic' is a stretch," poe noted over his coffee.

"—then someone's going to believe it. live it up a little, go to bars, talk to people, stop dressing like you're about to go back to the coal mines."

"leave it, please."

"no, i'm serious." finn gave her that wide-eyed, hatefully sincere look. it was the look that landed him promotions and control over projects and it was something rey resented not knowing how to do. she wondered if kylo had ever had to do that. then again, that implied there was a time when kylo's requests were taken as anything other than orders. "rey, i don't want to see another year pass you by. you could do _so much_ if you just—"

"i _am_ trying, finn."

"i dunno, maybe a boyfriend could come along. just—"

"i don't need you to remind me how behind i am at this…" she waved her hand in a short, irritated wave. the mention of _'boyfriend'_ made her want to be gone all the more. "…_thing_ called 'life'."

"hey," poe said scenting something on the air that finn ignored. "rey, we're not—"

"rey, it's not a competition," finn laughed.

"then stop acting like i'm some damn loser or something! it's hard enough trying to get through as is, i don't need any pity right now!"

they stared at her in silence. the coffeeshop clattered on, reminding her just how very small she was in all of this.

"i wasn't…trying to make it feel like pity," finn said quietly.

poe took a sip from his cup. he watched them, but he didn't meet either of their eyes.

"i should go," rey said after a moment. "sorry. things to do."

she got up and left the table, not looking back. her stomach twisted in confused knots as she walked to the door. that hadn't gone the way she would have liked. she should go back, maybe, try again, explain it better, apologize, even.

"rey? rey, wait up."

she pressed her lips together as finn called after her. she was pulled in two directions, the door and obligation tugging tugging tugging until she stayed put.

finn caught up to her, hand on her arm.

"hey, are you alright?"

"yes, fine, thanks."

"okay, but you kinda blew up back there, and…i dunno. i didn't mean to upset you."

"of course not." her phone burned in her pocket, ticking down the time.

"i…what did i say that bothered you? is it…_do_ you have a boyfriend?" finn asked, expression so painfully earnest.

"i…uhm, well…" kylo didn't count as a _boyfriend,_ the word was silly and hollow and…not kylo.

finn's face lit up, sunshine and triumph. "_oh_ yeah, i knew it. how long? this is big to keep!"

rey shrugged. a few more steps to the door, that was all it would take to get out of the entryway, but finn was on her now, eager for details and answers and things she had not given him for a reason.

"seriously, tell me more! i wanna know about this guy."

"there's not much to know."

mostly because Rey didn't know him beyond appearances and how he made her bones melt.

"do we get to meet him?"

"i…ah, i don't really know if you should—"

"is this serious, or—"

"finn, really, just let it go—"

"_rey,_ i will _not_ let this go, how long have you been seeing mystery man—"

"kylo, it's kylo," she blurted, just to make him _stop._

"ky—what?" finn frowned, searching through his memory bank. tick tick tick, time wasting with each word. "kylo who?"

it shouldn't have been hard for him to guess, kylo had recognized finn when she mentioned him, then laughed.

_i heard he started as a janitor,_ he had said, then kissed the rest of her words from her mouth.

"kylo ren," she said, jaw locking around the sounds. "from work."

"from your—from _mine?!"_

she glanced around at his gasp of breath, suddenly embarrassed. there were too many people, too many plain, ordinary, boring people. there was something about talking about kylo here that cheapened the name, somehow, made it less impressive. charcoal, instead of obsidian.

finn stared at her, sunshine and triumph forgotten. he looked wounded, somehow, shock and confusion crossing his face.

"kylo from the _legal_ department? when did you…"

"at the party."

the party of months ago. she could see the time lost on his face, the flinch of hurt he swallowed in favor of growing alarm.

"rey…he's…he's not exactly the kind of guy you want to hang around. i heard he threw a paperweight through a _computer screen_ when he lost a case. completely through it! are you sure—"

"it's fine, finn," she insisted, shaking her head. _t__hrough_ a computer screen, what gossip. no one could do that. "we've been together a couple months now, it's fine."

"months," he repeated. maybe he hadn't figured the time, then. he still looked a little winded, falling back a step like he needed to find better footing before he continued.

"anyway," she said quickly, "i wasn't kidding earlier. i really should get going."

"uhm…okay." he smiled again, a little thinner this time, a little quicker to drop. "yeah, uh, sure. i'll…i'll tell poe, then."

rey flashed him a quick smile and backed away. it wasn't really a goodbye, but he didn't look capable of stringing together sentences that weren't shocked questions.

she would have liked a better introduction to the subject, but in the months since she and kylo had started sleeping together—seeing each other—dating—whatever—since they started being _them,_ she had never found the right moment. had never found _perfect._

she probably wouldn't. finn _was_ perfect, of course, he was far more pulled together on his own that rey ever could be, but she was starting to wonder if his was the kind of perfect she wanted.


	2. a hellion, more or less

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey fun fact the title of this story comes from 'may i feel' by ee cummings. it is read by tom hiddleston and it's amazing go check it out.

"so i'm thinking cocoa and cinnamon rolls for breakfast," she said, poking kylo in the side with her toes. he groaned and buried his face a little bit deeper into the pillow. "they are both delicious and require minimum effort."

"how about sleep for breakfast."

"tempting but _no._ how about—"

"how about i kiss you until you stop talking." he snaked an arm around her waist, tugging her closer. rey met his eyes for the briefest moment before he kissed her collarbone, her breast bone, her rib bone. she shivered at the hot coal touch.

"i can talk just fine," she mumbled, hand still finding his hair. he flashed her another look—_filthy—_then kissed her stomach. she eyed him, wondering (hoping) he would go lower. but he stayed there, working slow, boiling kisses into her skin.

"what is your problem with all things sweet?" rey asked. her voice stayed completely level, a triumph on its own. his hands slid under her back, pulling her that much closer to his mouth.

rey tugged on a lock of his hair. "that was a question."

"that was annoying."

she did it again. he sighed, his mouth tickling her just enough to make her breath hitch, and then looked at her. he pressed his cheek against her stomach, visible eye half closed as he fought being awake.

"why do you insist on being so…"

"so what?"

"_cheerful,"_ he finished_._ "no one's that happy. sometimes it just feels…fake."

"that's not going to get me to leave you alone, kylo," she told him, finger tracing the side of his face.

"i mean it, though. why bother lying if it has no point?"

rey frowned. "what are you talking about?"

he considered her. he was quiet so long that she thought he wouldn't speak, then he shook his head. "never mind, nothing. do you actually _have_ cinnamon rolls, or is this something we have to go outside for?"

"i have some in my fridge."

kylo grunted. rey looked down at him for a moment, wondering if it was worth it to question him further, to give voice to that niggling wonder in her head—_what did he mean—_but she dismissed it, because she had learned that was easier than making him do something he didn't want to do.

she slipped out of his hold, missing his heat for the briefest second. then she grabbed up the comforter, wrapping it around her shoulders and leaving him only with the sheets. he hissed at the cold, but she just smirked at him over her shoulder and bounced out of bed.

"put something on before you come out," she said, walking toward the kitchen. "i don't need my neighbors complaining at me."

"complaining about _what_," he grumbled, but she heard him shifting around through the clothes on the floor a moment later.

the cocoa was easy to make, filling up mere seconds of the cinnamon rolls' cooking time. rey tapped her toes on the cold tile, dipping her finger into one of the mugs as she waited.

kylo came out a few moments later. she didn't look at him, taking a moment to savor the fact that she had forced him out of bed. and then his arms were around her, his body pressed against her body, swallowing her up and making them one.

"you're a hellion," he murmured, kissing her ear.

"i'm crafty, is all," she said.

"mm, no, i can see it in you. you've got a real nasty streak, just wait. give it a little time, a little fuel and you'll be a first rate terror. if only some of the idiots in the office had some of your skill."

she laughed, leaning back into him. this was one of those moments that rey ached for. she didn't know when they would happen, didn't know what she would do to earn the reward of kylo letting himself be soft, but she loved them. she lived for them.

if this was what love was, if it was waiting with her breath held until she blacked out and the world lost meaning and she thought she would die, if it was waiting until kylo came and breathed the air and color and light back into her…that was fine with her. she didn't know what else it could be.

"you think so?" she asked. his mouth was still by her ear, promising more kisses. "you think i'd be a decent lawyer?"

"you'd be a decent anything, if you actually fought for it."

rey turned around, nose scrunching in protest. "i fight for plenty of things."

"like what?" he looked at her with those obsidian eyes, half lidded, quiet enough to almost be mistaken as sleepy, full of all the things he could do to her since it was the weekend. she waited, knowing that if she asked, he would step away. wanting made it all the sweeter, after all. "like a raise? or a better apartment?"

"like cinnamon rolls and cocoa."

he smiled, his teasing undercut by hers. rey stretched and kissed him, a soft brush against his lower lip. his hand kept her there, and he took another, and then another, and then one more. rey closed her eyes, melting back into place as he kissed her harder, his teeth catching around her lip.

kylo pushed the cocoa to the side and hoisted her up onto the counter. rey spread her legs, pulling him closer, hands fumbling for an opening in the comforter. but he just held her there for one long moment, staring into her eyes again. he looked her over, eyelashes long as he ran his gaze over her face and down her neck.

"you could be everything," he whispered, quietly, as though in awe.

rey shifted, because she knew that wasn't true but she _wanted_ it and yet that was a weakness she could never show. so she laughed, brushed his words away like they were nothing. "yeah, if everything includes grease stains and smelling like car engines all day."

"you could change all that. i can change all that."

"how?" she laughed, because it was in her blood. she came from a line of poor, hard-scrabble people who worked with their hands because they couldn't use their brains.

kylo smiled that knowing, raven smile, and put his hands on her hips.

* * *

rey was terrified when kylo called one night and said, "we're going to a party."

"_what?_ what party?"

"nothing special. just some friends. it's a cocktail party, you'll be fine."

fine. rey knew she was _fine._ she didn't want to be _fine._ fine was a pair of jeans and an old t-shirt. fine was squeaking by on her pittance salary, fine was running off to a new city, a new _country_ because she thought maybe she could make it _there_ instead of _here_.

fine was a rey she didn't want to be any more.

kylo heard her reluctance like rain drops on a tin roof, hollow and deep.

"rey," he said, voice softening, so low she nearly missed it. she pressed the phone hard against her ear, barely breathing, afraid she'd miss it. "what is it?"

"i—i don't know what to do at things like that, i'll completely stand out—"

"rey, you'll be alright. you'll be with me. will you go? say you'll go."

"kylo…"

"how long would you need to get ready?"

"what kind of cocktail party _is_ it?"

"nothing fancy. i won't even wear a tie."

"but you'll still be wearing a suit," she mumbled, because even in just his slacks and shirt sleeves, he was sleek as a cut throat razor.

"you have dresses," he pointed out, a little teasing coming into his voice now that he knew she'd go.

"but not—"

"rey. i'll be there in two hours. do whatever you need to get ready."

she chewed her cheek, but muttered okay.

two hours wasn't enough. two years wouldn't be _enough._ kylo had never introduced her to his friends, for a reason. she had never introduced _him_ to her friends, for a reason. she had a finite amount of things that weren't stained and smudged, and they all fit in a single storage bin.

but he was not a man to be denied. so she took a shower, dried her hair, used the straight iron to make it curl in a way that made her look pretty. there was lipstick and eyeliner and heels and shaved legs and just enough jewelry to make the hollow of her throat appear delicate.

she still looked like a little girl in the mirror. playing at dress up, playing at being perfect, playing at matching kylo. she couldn't do this, she couldn't be whatever it was she had tricked kylo into thinking she was.

maybe she should wear different earrings. or a different dress (not that she had more than three). she had chosen the crimson one because it matched her lipstick and the circle skirt at least pretended she had curves, but now she just looked so _young,_ and it wouldn't help if she was beside kylo. she needed the sheath dress, that would make her fit in, that would be better than—

kylo knocked on her door. she sucked in a harsh breath. she stared at the door, afraid to move, afraid to take a single step because if she let him in then she really would have to go.

"rey," he called from outside, "let me in."

she opened the door.

he looked flawless, classic in a black suit she couldn't name and a white shirt she couldn't touch and, like he had promised, no tie. and then he was looking her over, dark eyes drinking in every detail. she curled up her toes, trying not to fidget. she should have worn her heels, the new ones he had bought her that hurt her feet but actually made her look tall.

"maybe we shouldn't go," he said finally.

rey swallowed the broken glass shattering of her heart. she forced the pretense of a smile. "i knew it," she laughed, and it was full of that breaking sound. she turned back to the bathroom so she could wipe the mess off her face.

"no," he said, pressing just close enough for her to feel his heat against her back. "maybe we should stay here instead. i don't want to leave when you look this good. i want to stay here and keep you all to myself."

she turned around, mouth open to say something, but she forgot he was there and folded right into his arms. his mouth hovered just a moment away, tantalizing, tantalizing, tantalizing.

"do you really not want to go?" he whispered, his breath on her lips like it was her question to begin with.

"i don't want to make a fool of myself."

"you won't, not like that. there's more to you than you give yourself credit for."

she just looked at him, mouth open, searching for words. she looked away. "let's not, right now. you'll smudge my makeup."

she left the room to the sound of his chuckles.

the car ride was tense. she kept fidgeting, ankles rolling in her too-high heels, fingers toying with the links of her bracelet. kylo put his hand over hers to make her stop, the dead weight of reassurance smothering her fear.

of course, the party was luxurious. it was inside an enormous hall, with white walls and gold trim and people, people, people. they were kylo perfect, diamonds and tungsten and deadly beautiful. rey stared at the sharp heels and the wicked smiles and the sleek haircuts. she had thought the work party finn took her to was terribly impressive, but it had been nothing to this. kylo had been a shark there, terrible and lithe amidst finn's clear waters. but this party was so full of sharks they ceased to be dangerous.

to each other. rey was not a shark. she was at best a round-eyed seal.

"remember," kylo murmured, ducking his head so his mouth was just by her ear. "they're all going to take one look at you and think you're nothing."

"a-all of them?"

"they're all wealthy, influential. they're going to ask you about where you're from and assume the worst because of what you say."

"kylo, then why—"

"because i don't," he said, and her heart was caught off guard. it froze as she turned to look at him, meeting his intense dark stare. "they may think you are worth absolutely nothing, but i don't, and i want you to see that."

her heart beat once, twice, too heavy for words. she smiled, found his hand, then squeezed it. he slipped it away, settling it onto the more appropriate place on her back.

she wasn't nothing. not to him.

the people he introduced her to were fearsome and flawless and exactly the kind she expected kylo to know. they were a man and a woman, both deathly pale, both impossibly tall. the man (something hux, she didn't quite catch what) gave her a thin smile and took her hand. the woman (_phasma_, kylo had said, the word delicious even without touching rey's tongue) eyed her like a cougar would a rabbit. not with hunger. not with anything. she just looked down at rey, her dark grey dress glorious and fitted, her throat wrapped in silver.

"she's so cute, kylo," she said, nothing gaze lingering on rey for a second before she looked at kylo. "where on earth did you find her?"

"just something i picked up along the way," he said, giving her a small smile that hid sharp teeth.

"the best surprises are in unexpected places," the other man said. his red hair was combed just so, elegant and yet severe. "business deals, promotions, plus ones…"

"shame you don't go off the beaten path, then, armitage," kylo said, words as delicate and precise as a scalpel. "perhaps that's why snoke passed you over for the promotion."

armitage—_armitage?_ no, hux was better_—_did something with his mouth that wasn't quite a smile, but he paired it with an almost toast of his champagne flute so it worked.

"so, do you and kylo work together, then?" rey asked. she didn't like people talking over her, even if their heads cleared hers by fistfuls.

all eyes shifted to her.

"one could say that," hux said. "we travel in…similar circles."

"the only circles that matter," phasma said. "the circles that actually _go_ somewhere."

they all not-quite-laughed, eyes cold. they watched each other for weakness, but there was a confident comfort as they stood together. no matter how much they fought to gain dominance over each other, it was with _each other. _no one else touched them, no one else approached them, no one else bested them. they were too mighty to be brought down by the grime of the world.

and there rey was. for the moment, she was granted access because kylo had brought her there, but later, soon…she was determined to stand there on her own merit.

* * *

"so…how's kylo?"

the words were friendly as rocks thrown from a sling. finn didn't often bring up kylo, but there was always _a tone_ when he did. disapproval, condescension, contempt. finn said he was fine, he didn't have any issues with rey's choices, but it seemed more false all the time. he seemed less perfect all the time.

"he's fine." she wondered if finn could taste the return fire in her words. of course he wasn't _fine,_ he was kylo. he was so much more.

"okay."

they poked at their plates, wary and waiting. the café felt was so loud just then. rey scraped a bit of grime from under her thumbnail. she doubted anyone at kylo's party had ever been that filthy.

rey didn't want to be there anymore. she didn't want to have to keep justifying her choices to someone who would never accept them. it was bad enough that unkar plutt had started clicking his tongue. kylo had picked her up from work the other day, and unkar had taken half a glance at the black, shark-nosed car and hadn't let rey know peace since.

"why do you ask?" she finally sighed, dropping her fork.

finn blinked at her, startled. "i…i was just curious. i dunno, i just wanted to hear about what's happening in your life. you don't really talk about him, so…"

"i don't _talk_ about him because i know you won't listen."

"hey, i may have my pig-headed moments, but i'm not _that_ bad," he said, raising his hands and smiling. _this is a peace offering,_ he was telling her, _just take it and let us move on._

but she kept thinking about unkar's sneers, something she hadn't mentioned to kylo because she knew he would tell her to leave and it wasn't that easy. nothing was _that easy,_ not for her, and she was so damn _tired_ of people looking at her and acting like she had the slightest choice in how _miserable_ she was.

"he sees me as something special, finn. that's what's important."

he actually laughed at her, shaking his head.

"i mean—i could have told you _that,_ rey. you were dealt a crap hand and you're making the best of it. you do the work of three people, you're thoughtful, you—"

"but you didn't," she interrupted.

finn gave her a look that was confused, mouth still open, ready to finish the sentence that felt increasingly false by the word.

_you didn't tell me that so none of this counts._ but no, she wasn't mean enough to say that.

"i'm not fishing for compliments," rey said, waving a hand.

"i'm not sure what it is you want here."

"i want you to respect my choices."

"i've never tried to _undermine_ your choices," finn said, the smile finally chased from his lips. "i'm trying to be supportive."

"it just feels judgmental."

"it's _not._"

_what is the point,_ she thought,_ of us even being friends?_

she swallowed hard, almost choking on the words. she could not think that, finn was _hers,_ she could not just get rid of him, she had to keep him because he was her friend and she had precious little to spare.

"you're not even listening," he said, words hard in the way that said he was trying not to raise his voice. she looked up at him, panic making it hard to see him for what he was. she just felt sick and now he was angry and everything was breaking in her hands.

"finn, i—let's not, right now."

_you're a hellion,_ kylo had told her, not in a mean way or a disgusted way or a _rey why aren't you better you're supposed to be better i only liked you because i thought you were better_ sort of way. he had said it like he found it charming, that he didn't _need_ her to change for him. she wished he were here with her, or she was there with him, because then she wouldn't have to feel bad for what she was.

"when _will_ we, rey? we _never_ talk anymore."

"i'm sorry, i—i have to go, i'm not feeling well. i'll see you later."

she didn't hear his response as she stood up, couldn't bring herself to look at his face. rey was outside breathing the cold air before she had a chance to say something terrible and destroy everything for good.

rey hadn't thought it possible to love someone and yet be so resentful of them at the same time. she kept walking, hoping that somehow her fast pace would shake the darkness from her heart.

* * *

one of rey's favorite things was to harass kylo when he pretended to be asleep. she by no means was an early riser, but he pushed his mornings hilariously late on saturdays.

"this is the one day i get free," he growled into the pillow at one point. "leave me alone."

rey most certainly did _not_ leave him alone. some days, she pressed little kisses against his skin, just barely there, just barely enough to rouse him in more ways than one. some days, she lured him out with the scents of a delicious breakfast, while others she got out of bed and flung the curtains wide (to which he had actually hissed and shoved his head under a pillow, like the light actually wounded him). and yet other days, she did this.

she was honest. she ran her fingers though his hair, she stared at the ceiling, and she told him the truth. rey and kylo were many things, alone and together, but there was something in rey's gut that told her _honest_ was not often one of those things. it wasn't like they _lied_, they did tell the truth, but there was a difference between choreographing how they presented themselves to the world and laying all the facts before another person, unconditional and bare.

"i was honestly considering leaving the city before i met you," she murmured. not that it would have been easy, or even something that could have happened soon. the fistful of bills and buckets of pocket change she had saved weren't about to get her anywhere important.

kylo said nothing beside her, was nothing but a spread of shoulder blades and arms tucked beneath a pillow and glossy black hair. she could hear him listening, though, the quiet hum of his brain absorbing her words, processing them, then stowing them away.

"i don't have much left here. i wake up and i got to work and i just…there's no soil for anything to grow. there's just a desert of dust. but if i left…maybe if i started new, let myself _be _someone new…i think i could do it."

rey wondered if he could hear the way her false confidence echoed her doubt.

"what about your friends?" he mumbled, unable to remain silent for long.

she smiled, a hollow victory. "they're great, but…they're not the same. they're not family."

it would cut out their hearts to hear it. maybe they knew, deep down. maybe that was why finn kept encouraging her to get out, to try other things, to latch onto something that would make her stay. maybe that was why poe always asked her if she was alright, if she was happy, if she had anything to share, even though they barely knew each other to begin with. they knew they were losing her, and it was no one's fault except hers because she just did not love them enough.

kylo looked at her, his eyes dark and piercing. she could have sworn he saw the argument with finn on her lips.

"family's not all it's cracked up to be," he muttered.

"they're the only ones that you can rely on," she countered. "even if they hurt you, even if…"

even if her parents didn't want her. even if they had handed her over to whatever friends or associates or passersby as soon as possible. even if they had left her in favor of their own terrible interests. even if they had died brilliantly and tragically in a drunken car crash in some city she had never known. even if they had raised rey to feel like she was drowning in her need to be praised, to be cared for, to be noticed at all.

"even if they let you down, they're blood. you don't have much else, otherwise."

kylo hmphed, a snort made of gravel and wounded memories. "part of what you said was true."

she looked at him, stomach suddenly tightening. he wasn't looking at her, his eyes instead fixed on some midway point between now and then.

"there was nothing i did," he began, then stopped. he pressed his lips together, expression so wounded for the briefest moment that it made her heart ache. "my family wasn't exactly the best. there was nothing i did that got through to them, made them realize what _i _wanted. they never saw what i did was…right."

"but you're a lawyer," she said, startled because she had seen his life. glossy and trim and expensive and prestigious and perfect, perfect, perfect.

he smiled, a wounded thing made of broken glass and crumpled wings. "oh, my mother is pissed i didn't go into charity work, wasting my life away on non-profits like her that never get anywhere. and my _father…_like i said. there was nothing i did."

rey watched him for a moment, not sure what to do with the pain in her chest, the pain that existed because of _his_ pain. she didn't have words or answers or anything to make him feel better except herself.

she pressed her hand against his cheek, uncertain, then gently guided him onto his back. he looked at her, gaze wary. but she wrapped her arms around his chest and just held him, her head tucked up against his jaw.

"i'm sorry they're so hard on you," she whispered. "i'm sorry i can't make it better."

kylo pressed his hand against her hair. he was quiet for so long that she thought the moment was over, that he had withdrawn back into his silence, either punishment or result of her not understanding.

"don't leave the city," he finally said, voice soft enough to almost not even be there. "don't go anywhere else. don't—"

_don't leave me._

he couldn't quite get the words out, but she could taste them when she breathed in.

she couldn't quite get the words out, either, but that was fine. he could probably feel the acceptance through her skin.

there was no real way she could leave him now, anyway, and she suspected it was the same for him, too. not now that they had met and learned they were not _alone._ not like that, not anymore.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the movies like to dunk on Hux, and that's well and good, but I think he could be quite terrible and nasty in real life. He has some genuine menace that I don't think should be wholesale ignored.
> 
> also phasma could crush me with a single hand and that is amazing she! better! not! be! dead!


	3. a luxury, of a sort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay look. We all say things that make us look dumb in hindsight. Mine was the entirety of my last AN. We mourn our fallen and move on.
> 
> I think it bears stating that this story is going to keep with Kylo's trajectory in TLJ. If you want a Kylo redemption story, this isn't it. As stated in the summary, he is something Rey must overcome.
> 
> finally shout out to my girl hope! you probably won't read this, but this one's for you :)

just when rey thought things were going fine, kylo made them better.

"move in with me," he said, more like a prediction than a command.

"what?" she stared at him over her meal, her piece of breadstick floating between her mouth and plate. he had decided to take her out, declaring that she needed pampering, that she deserved real food, that he couldn't honestly stand another dinner of charming, if uninspired, sandwiches at her counter. the glory of the crystal and velvet and leather and pearls around her made rey's hands sweat. but she needn't panic, she looked like everyone else. kylo had bought her a beautiful cream dress and she looked perfect like everyone else.

kylo watched her with that sleek, almost-there smile. "move in with me. what's to stop you?"

"i…uhm, you live across town, and i still have work—"

"then quit work. you hate it and i make enough to share."

"that's not—"

"i know, i know," he said, smile growing a bit bigger as he waved her protests away. "you're not the kind of woman that can be kept."

rey let a small smile of her own escape. there was a small thrill in him knowing her arguments before she even said them.

"but still. is my apartment not good enough?"

"_no,_" she laughed, because she could fit her apartment in his and still have plenty of room to spare for the walk-in closet, enormous two person shower, floor to ceiling windows, and luxurious master bedroom. "i just…"

"your rent is up at the end of the month. you could break it at any time. you could break it now."

"yeah, but there's more to this than just _rent."_

"worried your friends might miss you?" he asked, a mock pout on his face.

rey threw part of her breadstick at him, then flushed when the waiter appeared to take their salads away. kylo had the good grace to swallow his smirk with a sip of wine.

rey sat in silence for a moment. this shouldn't be so hard. the part of her that had made it this far said, no, she was fine, she didn't need anyone's help. the other part curled its lip at _'fine'._

kylo changed the subject and she panicked, she had missed her chance, that was it, he was done with her. rey couldn't go back to just _existing,_ drinking from cupped hands because she was dying of thirst. not when kylo had shown her how to sip so wonderfully from crystal.

he looked back at her when the main course arrived. he leaned forward, hand reaching out tentatively to touch her fingers.

"rey," he whispered, and it was suddenly so quiet in her head. "i just want you with me. all the time."

she looked down, flushing again. that was very different from what she thought this was, hoped this was. despite all the weeks in which he had come back to her, there was always the timer ticking in rey's head, reminding her that eventually, kylo would leave. everyone left, life had told her. after all, what on earth was there to make anyone want to stay?

"tell me that's not what you want," he said. the words were so soft, less like sounds and more like imprints on her skin. "tell me no and i'll never ask again."

she met the dark of his gaze. it held eternity, secrets and opportunities she would never otherwise learn.

"okay," she breathed back.

"okay…?"

"okay. okay, i'll move in," she said, and he smiled wider than he had all night.

when they went to kylo's apartment, _their_ apartment, he kissed her like she was a work of art. he unzipped the fine dress he had bought her and traced her spine with his hands. he moved slowly, because they had all the time in the world, now. no more disappearing before daylight, no more working around the awkwardness of shared toothbrushes or toiletries or a space that had been groomed for only one. they had eternity, now.

he called her beautiful as he kissed her fingertips. he called her divine when he carried her into the bedroom. but most importantly, he called her _his_ before they went to sleep.

* * *

walking out on unkar plutt was perhaps the best part of rey's whole year. she stayed just long enough to collect her last paycheck (which didn't include all of her overtime and side jobs, _of course_), steal his favorite coffee mug, wave good-bye to the mechanics, then walked through the door.

"where the hell are you going?"

she turned around to face him. he was unimpressive in the sunlight, eyes small, belly overly large. now that she knew she was never going back into the office, it was like his boot had been lifted from her neck.

"away from here."

"just like that. you think _you_ are going to be _just fine_ without a job."

"i'll be fine without you." perfect, even, if she played her cards right.

rey turned back to the road. kylo was supposed to be picking her up any second, whisking her away from this miserable sandpit.

"after everything i've done for you. when you came to me, you could barely afford to keep the _lights_ on. how many people do you think support _charity_ cases?"

"and what about what _i've_ done for you?" she shot back, finally letting loose every hateful word she'd stuffed down, because it was better than letting that seed of doubt grow. unkar was right. no one was going to hire her, not when her only experience could be categorized as '_untrained grease monkey'_, _'step-and-fetch-it', _and '_abandoned goods'_. "what about staying here until midnight because you've threatened to make my life hell, otherwise? what about making me help fix cars, because you're too cheap to have one of the mechanics stay and do it? what about all those side deals you make, illegally selling car parts, or the books that you've altered that you've had me _lie_ about? what about all that?"

unkar stared at her, like he couldn't quite believe she had actually managed to make sound. rey held her breath, listening hard for the sound of kylo's car to pull up, give her an out. she didn't trust unkar enough to look away from him again.

"you can't pro—"

"admit it, unkar," she said, shrugging. she wasn't mad, she had kicked it down for too long to dredge it up now. she was just tired, weary of having to play this man's games. but her heart did beat faster, because this was dangerous water. "you're just angry because you _know_ this whole place will suffer without me, and i'm sorry for everyone else who's left. they don't deserve it, but i also don't deserve you."

"don't try to act high and mighty—_you're stealing my mug?_ stabbing me in the back wasn't enough, you also steal from me? you worthless bitch, you—"

"do _not_ speak to her like that."

rey could have cried at how light her heart felt when she heard kylo's voice.

unkar just sneered at him, a rat snake facing a cobra. he hadn't actually seen kylo before, just his sleek black car and the fingerprints he left behind on rey's mind. it was obvious that even now, he was not impressed.

"and you're the one that caused all this," unkar said.

"yeah, i'm the one that got her out of modern slavery." kylo stopped beside rey, his shirt crisp and white and his slacks carefully pressed. she stood straight, trying to make it very obvious at a glance that she belonged more with him than in this garbage heap. "honestly, you're lucky she's not suing for mismanagement and mistreatment. demanding she work through breaks, not compensating her for _disgusting _amounts of overtime, requiring her to repair and replace business amenities with her own money, and that's just what i can think of off the top of my head."

"don't think your money scares me," unkar scoffed. "you can throw around threats all you want. i've fought worse."

rey's stomach did an uncomfortable squirm and she reached out for kylo's sleeve. she hadn't actually mentioned her suspicions about unkar's underworld contacts for several reasons (namely because she couldn't stand the idea of kylo's pity or disgust at the mention of it), and she didn't need her boyfriend to trip into mob violence on accident.

but kylo walked closer to unkar, barely letting her fingers brush against the fabric of his sleeve. he stopped close to the man, head tilting slightly as he spoke. rey couldn't hear him, couldn't even quite see unkar's face, but she saw his body language change, tightening at whatever kylo said.

rey blinked at the swoop of lightheadedness, the breathless mix of gratitude and surprise and _happiness_ that someone would step up and fight for her, would defend her. she prided herself on being able to handle (or at least survive) whatever was thrown at her, but knowing that she didn't have to…

and then kylo was turning around, taking her hand. she started to look back, to see what state he had left unkar in, but he just tightened the grip on her hand.

"don't look at him," he said, voice low and barely restrained. "don't give him the satisfaction."

rey kept her eyes pointedly forward as kylo swept her into the dark, and then they were gone, leaving the smear of a place, just like that. it didn't matter how many hours rey had spent there, how much suffering, how many tears, how much blood. it was just gone.

"how the _hell,_" kylo ground out, "did you ever let yourself walk into that place?"

rey looked at him in surprise, or shock, really. she hadn't noticed that he was so upset. but his jaw was locked brutally tight, knuckles snarled around the steering wheel like he didn't trust his hands if he let go.

"i…it was a job, i—"

"_rey,_ that _lowlife—_" he sucked in a breath, made his voice quieter. "if i'd known, i would have had you out of there in an instant."

"yes, well…"

the swoop of lightheadedness was more of a panicked squirm, now. she liked being cared for, but she didn't need it _that_ much. she wasn't a child.

"well, _what_?"

"what?"

"what are you not saying? did he _have_ something over you?" he looked at her now, the wild anger in his eyes shifting into panic, to worry, protectiveness that unkar might have twisted her life even more.

"_no,_ of course not," she snapped back, face heating up. "it's just, sometimes you don't get a _choice._ you just…have to make do and hope you'll find something better soon."

she wanted to huddle in the seat, tuck her feet up, turn away to look at the window. but she didn't want to turn her back on kylo, either. not when she still had that haunting fear that maybe he wouldn't be there when she turned back around.

he wouldn't get it, anyways. he had enough money to trail to the skyline, he wouldn't get the relief that went with finally being able to quit her second job, to stop taking night shifts, to live off more than bulk purchases of rice and noodles.

she was so _tired_ of justifying why it was hard to even be alive.

kylo let out another long, slow breath. she almost jumped when she felt his hand on her thigh, palm up, asking to be held. she took it. she didn't have words for the sense of comfort when his hand engulfed hers.

"i just don't get," he said slowly, carefully, each word manufactured to make her understand that it wasn't _her_ he was upset with, just her circumstances, just the injustice done to her, "how you're not _angry_ at this."

"i don't get to be angry," she sighed, leaning her head against the seatbelt. "not when it burns so many calories."

"you can afford it, now. the things he did—i wasn't joking back there, he should be in _jail,_ you should _put _him there. report him, sue him, do _something!_ doesn't it bother you?" he asked, looking at her as they paused during a red light. "being spoken to like that? having him berate you in public, calling you names, making you feel like _nothing_?"

"i mean, it's not just _me_," she said, shrugging, skin tingling. "it's not fun_,_ but it's not personal. he talks to everyone like that."

"you're not _like_ everyone," he said, grip tightening on her hand. "do you _honestly_ think just _anyone_ could do what you do?"

well…no.

"and if you had the chance, if you weren't scared he'd leave your body in a ditch or send some disgusting thugs after you, wouldn't you like to get even? to make him feel _less,_ to make him _hurt_ like he did to you?"

"i…i mean, yes, of course, sometimes i'd love to just—take a wrench to the back of his head, but—"

"if every other aspect of the world fails you, don't you deserve your own _justice_?"

"what, are you saying i need to go back and bludgeon him to death?"

"_no,_ i don't want you going anywhere near him ever again. just—be _angry, _rey. always be angry over being dead."

she didn't know what to say to that. the thought was as terrifying as it was tantalizing. it didn't _feel_ like she had the luxury of being angry, not after walking off on her job, not when she had made a _very _risky decision indeed. but it wasn't like she had just cut one of the strings to her own independence, it was much more that she had traded up for _more_ power, wasn't it? she had chosen to drive off into the sunset on a steed of fiberglass and self-righteous power and ink. she was with _kylo ren _now, all in, no questions asked.

she could probably afford to get angry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look at that slip'n'slide of toxic behaviors wheeeeee


	4. now you're getting it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A thousand thank yous to my betas, red b rackham and thewritingwanderer. You didn't have to join me on this venture, but you did.
> 
> Also, please observe the change in rating. The story won't contain anything explicit, but I'm really going to be leaning on those mature themes and I want everyone to be prepared.

_hey could you watch bb?_

rey couldn't help the deep sigh when she saw poe's text. the thought of kylo being confronted with poe's tiny ball of happiness and fluff made her both want to laugh and give a strangled yelp.

_i'm gone for two weeks and my other arrangements crapped out, _he texted, another hopeful little nudge when she didn't respond.

it wasn't like poe was particularly good at making plans in the first place. he was more the kind that knew his end goal and would deal with whatever came up when it happened. rey couldn't help but be impressed at his ability to overcome obstacles, as well as his inability to learn how to _avoid_ said obstacles in the first place.

_uuuuuuuuh no sorry can't, no pets allowed in my apartment_

_new rule?_

_yah something like that_

rey thrummed her fingers on the counter, feeling like she needed to say something else. she could feel the unspoken _just break the rules, he's perfectly house trained_, but poe didn't say it so neither did she. there wasn't much else _to_ say, really. she couldn't take bebe in without getting, at the very least, _a look_ from kylo, and honestly a dog wasn't worth fighting over.

"what is it?" kylo asked, making her want to jump out of her skin.

"oh, nothing, just a friend."

"just a friend?" he asked, slipping the phone from her hand. he'd been pestering her to let him buy a new one, but she _liked_ this one, liked the fit in her hand and the way everything was set up and, though she would never tell him this, she liked that it was the first expensive thing she had bought for herself.

they had compromised with a new phone case, dark and sleek with a lovely drawing of a rose on the back.

"just a _friend,_" she repeated, reaching for the phone. he hid it behind her back so that she had to press up against him, arms stretched to find his hands.

"how about _new_ friends? car friends."

she straightened, eyebrows raising. "cars?"

"mm, from work. total gear heads. they have a club or something, meet up every week."

"and…?" she leaned back, nervous.

_"and_ i think it could be nice. gets you out of the house, lets you focus on something. or i could introduce you to a bunch of debutantes that titter and preen and try to catch husbands all day."

_"no,_" she laughed, still a little shy. kylo smiled at her and handed back the phone. "when would we meet?"

"tomorrow, if you're not busy."

"i'm not."

"alright. then we could go catch a show, after, make it a date."

she kissed him, then wrapped her arms around his chest and buried her face in his shirt. rey on her own would have spent the evening watching reruns by herself, running through her bills. rey with kylo was making new important friends that liked her hobbies and seeing movies that she would never be able to otherwise and just being _free._

she hoped this was what perfect tasted like, because she couldn't imagine something even more sweet.

* * *

kylo wrapped his arms around her waist from behind, holding her back from the door.

"come on, kylo, i need to leave," she laughed.

"skip it," he murmured, voice right in her ear.

"what?"

"skip it. it's just a lunch, there are a thousand lunches. it's with finn and poe, right? you'll see them soon enough, you spend _all_ your time with them, as is."

"i do _not,_" she laughed, trying to pry his arms away. "i had to cancel last time, remember?"

"stay here."

he kissed the bottom of her ear, just enough to make her skin shiver. _stay with me,_ it said without words, _stay and be rewarded, stay and make me happy._

"i need to go," she said, voice a little softer, fight a little weaker.

"you don't _need_ to do anything," he murmured, kissing down her neck in a way that made her mind go blank. her legs buckled as he sliced at her suspension lines, making her body lean into his. she couldn't help it, it was so easy when his whole everything was such an enticement.

his hands skated her body, one gliding up to her chest, the other finding the top of her pants. he kept kissing her, embers placed on her lips that sparked the moment they connected. she needed to go—_stay_—or she'd be late—_with_—or miss it entirely—_me._

she mumbled protests, tried to push him away, but each action was undercut by the want coursing through her. how did people say no, she wondered. how did they resist the irresistible?

he slipped his hand into her pants, causing her to make indecent noises. they sank to the floor, him still holding them together, her settled between his knees as he mastered everything. his breath was heavy in her ear, his pulse raging against hers, consuming hers, twisting her to his rhythm. she groaned and turned her face into his neck, snarled her hand in his hair, what did a few minutes hurt (or even more what did more hurt it hurt nothing it actually felt _divine_), she could be late she could be absent she could do anything so long as she had kylo there with her.

"still want to go?" he whispered, letting up for just a moment. she tightened her fist in his hair. "i can stop, rey. if you ask me to, if you want me to, i'll do it."

_i'll do anything for you, _he meant.

"or," he said, lips on her ear. his free hand settled on the button of her pants while the occupied one shifted, promising a better angle.

rey bit her lip. kylo moved to pull away.

"_no_ don't stop," she gasped, arching her body to keep him in place.

she couldn't see it, couldn't feel it, but she _knew_ he was grinning.

in the end, she was a mess and thirty minutes late. it would have been less, except she took a shower (again) and changed. kylo's smug look stayed in place the whole time as he watched her get ready, frantically combing her hair and yanking it into a ponytail.

"_don't_," she said, holding up a finger to keep him back. "i am _not_ getting sidetracked again."

he just smirked and leaned down to kiss the pad of her finger. "i wouldn't have called it a _sidetrack._"

"we'll talk about this _later,_" she said, snatching up her wallet and her keys.

"i hope we do," chased her into the hallway, settling on her skin like the most sinful promise he could muster.

* * *

another party. rey was becoming used to them, was learning how to stand tall and keep her gaze steely and tell the world that it had nothing to offer her while she was on kylo's arm. his friends, if that's what they passed for, had become used to her, tolerating her presence because kylo had chosen her and kylo was too mighty for them to disrespect.

this wasn't just a social event, though, this was work. kylo had been grim-mouthed and quiet on the ride here, mentioning only once that snoke would be attending.

snoke, the dread leader. he was mentioned in passing, referred to as one might refer to a god. rey didn't really know what it was he did or how he connected all of the people kylo knew, but he was magnificently important, difficult to please, and necessary for any form of survival in the world of obsidian and jewels.

rey hooked her pinky through kylo's as they walked in, the tiny reminder that she was there, she was his, he need not be afraid.

cocktails and exquisite refreshments, cold laughter and hidden weakness. it was surprisingly easy for rey to not stand out. no one knew anything about her beyond the fact that she was foreign and that she came with kylo, and no one needed any more. she was just rey, rey with the burgundy lips and the charcoal grey dress that went so well with kylo's onyx suit and murder red pocket square. she was not just _fine,_ she was something terribly close to perfect.

"don't tell me _this_ is the girl i have been hearing so much about."

rey only knew the voice was a sign of danger when kylo's fingertips dug into the small of her back.

they turned as one to see an old man. his clothes were as fine as everyone else's—tie sleek, shoes polished, golden watch gleaming—but he looked _wrong._ malformed, somehow, hunched and scarred like dogs had taken to his face. hux stood just behind him, ironed straight as always, but not looking at them. he had the slightest memory of a smile on his face.

rey kept her own smile fixed _(perfect perfect you must be perfect_) and looked at kylo. his expression was flat, revealing nothing. except where hux was smug, she almost would have said kylo was nervous.

"everywhere i go, i keep hearing that ren has found himself _attached_," snoke continued.

"mr. snoke," kylo said. "this is rey."

she stood still, not certain if she was to shake hands or curtsy or hold her hand out to be kissed. snoke looked at her once then it was back to kylo. he was almost as tall as kylo, she realized, and what he lacked in height he made up for in importance.

"i hope she hasn't proven a distraction for you."

"no, of course not."

"then why are we still facing problems with that public works bill? you told me you and your team would have it sorted by last week."

"there…have been complications," kylo said. his hand was a force of nature against rey's back, pushing, pushing, fingertips digging into the fabric of her dress. she locked her knees to keep from falling over. if she made a fool of herself, it would only splash back on him. "but it will be taken care of. i promise."

"promises," snoke said, and rey was almost relieved when he snarled. it fit much more than his false smile. "i almost have to wonder if your delay comes from the fact that it was your mother's bill. not feeling sentimental, are we?"

"sentiment doesn't fit in our business," kylo said, and he shot a razor-edged look at hux. he met kylo's gaze and raised one eyebrow.

"no, it does not. see that you remember. i will not tolerate any more failures from you, ren." snoke gave him one last cold glare, then walked away. hux lingered just long enough to give them both a slight nod before following after.

"i'm going to put his head on a pike," kylo hissed.

"what was all that about?" rey asked, stomach still twisting. resentment toward hux coated the back of her tongue. she didn't know just what he had done, but it was obvious—he was jealous of kylo, and vicious and underhanded enough to enjoy sabotage. kylo would beat it, of course he would, but the memory of hux's smug, barely-there smirk made her want to spit.

"nothing," he said, the word precise as a bullet.

kylo's hand was still digging into her back. she shifted forward, but his other hand had found her wrist, wheeling her away from the scene of carnage.

rey chewed her lip, then remembered the lipstick. she ran her tongue over her teeth. maybe she shouldn't say anything.

"it didn't sound like nothing," her traitor mouth said.

kylo cut her a withering look, making her breath hiccup in her throat. she glanced down. his grip was very tight on her wrist, now.

"i'm only concerned for you. i didn't realize…i didn't know your mother was involved." she hadn't known there were any problems, really, because kylo didn't tell her much about the details of his job. but then, why _did _she need to know? she wasn't a lawyer, she couldn't exactly help him win cases. then again, she wouldn't have to beg like a child for the details if he had.

damn hux, for putting them in this situation.

he watched her for another moment, then looked away. "like i said, that woman doesn't have any bearing on the way i work."

rey let it drop. kylo let go of her wrist and she moved her arm away. she wouldn't rub it and call attention to the bracelet of white skin he had left in the wake of his grip. but he took her arm again, this time stroking his thumb over the inside of her wrist. he didn't say sorry, couldn't, in these eel-infested waters, but she knew what he meant all the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ngl the party scenes are basically the best parts of this whole daggum story


End file.
